Personal Update - RESOLVE

The results of my dad's last biopsy and evaluation came in. They weren't good. His liver is gone, done for, if he doesn't get a bypass for the fluids to flow properly or... a transplant. Truth be told, no matter which surgery comes first, its a 50% chance he'll survive on the table. That chance is dropping due to his growing depression. But we're still fighting this battle. Even if we lose, it's worth fighting for. Even if it's not what we hope for in the end, we will keep fighting until it's over.

As of now, my instincts as a pre-med tell me that right now at best as things stand he has 5 years at the max, if nothing else happens. But... it's time worth clinging to.

So besides doing commissions, looking for jobs and such, I've been carrying and sharing the weight of life on my shoulders. Eradrom, my sister, has become head of the house hold taking on decisions and strategies to move forward before the walls fall on top of us, The Spirit Of Fire. Mom has become the caretaker, protector and more, The Arbitor. And I've been using every once of my power to keep a roof on our heads, with just my gut and guns, pushing my talent as far as it can go as a Student Mentor, Multi Media Artist and Green Thumb to raise enough income to save dad, putting much of my needs aside, Pillar of Autumn. And Saul has been taking hits from all directions for helping us out, but that hasn't stopped him from giving up either, Forward unto Dawn.

Rather than receiving help from those who stand close to us, we receive criticism for our efforts, interrogation and ignorance. People who constantly ask the same question over and over again, expecting us to be liars when all we say is the truth. Their brother will die if they continue like this. And my grandmother will follow shortly because her heart won't be able to bare the news. She's in her 80's. And dad is her only son, and the second youngest among all 4. Last week I broke it to them flat. "He will die." Their answer "We wish we could help, but your too far away." They're only an hour away. The rest of my family is doing more, and their 3000 miles away. You guys are doing even more than them. And the closest deviant personally known to me is probably 4000 miles away. And I'm sure I'm not the only one within ten clicks from here that's going through this. Especially with our Governor doing everything he can to kill the country. He's oppressing us, and he has abandoned those he made promises to... for money... and greed for power.

What am I doing now? Everything I can at once. Now that college is out of my way, and I only have to worry about my current job and the next one I'm currently searching everywhere for, I'm finishing long over due commissions. Taking on new ones, no matter how odd they seem unless they are too mature for my taste, taking part in every contest I can. And more importantly... writing our novel. You will be seeing previews soon. A full side story will be written out as well by both Eradrom and me.

I'm not stopping until my fingers crack or I can't breath. I can't stop here and I won't. And though anger and hatred is beginning to well inside me, blackening my heart even further, I won't let it control me. Too much is at stake to stop here. And the price of giving up is too high.

Aspirations for love? Maybe. The desire is there. The yearning is there. But I'm waiting for the right one to show up. I'm not just looking for my knight, I'm looking for my Pillar. The one who provides a place to stand where there is none. The one who gives me strength when I'm spent. The one who accepts me as I am, takes me whole in light and dark and walks with me until we are running together, with hope and resolve, until all stars shine brighter and new ones are born. That person is the one who doesn't give up easily. And won't let me give up either. The one who can make me angry at times, but overwhelms me with TRUE JOY.

Until that person arrives, I will wait for him, all the while I will wage this battle between us and the world. And I won't be fighting alone. Those who've truly been there for all of us, will be fighting with me as we support eachother and help solve all our problems and combat our despairs.

My resolve stands, comrades. An though my body will grow weaker, and my failures may amount over time. I will keep fighting. Otherwise, all the sacrifices we made would be for naught.